Hello all! I wanted to address the issue of financial abuse this week. I have been through this type of abuse, and I know others who are currently experiencing financial abuse. Like emotional, mental, and spiritual abuse, the effects of financial abuse can last several years – long after bruises have healed. I want to start by defining the term, and then I will get into some specific examples of financial abuse. Lastly, I want to give all of us some tips on how to break free from this abusive use of our money and resources. Here we go!
What is financial abuse?
The deliberate use of money or credit to control or manipulate another person. Financial abuse is also another form of emotional abuse. Financial abuse creates lack of trust, insecurity, and does mental and emotional harm to the other partner. People who are the partners of a financial abuser are forced to pick up the slack for their partner and are left holding all the financial burden after a separation or divorce – usually a considerable sum of debt, unpaid bills, or taxes.
What does financial abuse look like?
I want to provide a list of red flags/characteristics you will see in financial abuse. Do not ignore these of you see them in a partner! Please understand this list is not exhaustive, however, it will give you a good overview for yourself, a friend, or family member who may be dealing with a financial abuser.
1) A partner who wants you financially dependent on them (e.g., they use their "provider" status over your head or use their "provider" angle to control and manipulate you). This is also emotional abuse. You will hear things like:
- “you need me or you can't survive”
- “you need me or the kids can't survive”
- “you can't take care of yourself without me”
- “I didn’t know it would be that expensive”, or “I don’t know why that account is overdrawn”, or “I didn’t do that, you must have.”
2) Not respecting their partners views on how money should be spent and/or purposely antagonizing their partner financially
3) Berating you verbally if accounts are overdrawn, even if you had nothing to do with it and/or cannot keep up with their spending. This is also verbal and emotional abuse.
4) Secret credit cards taken out in your name that you are unaware of and/or they max out current known credit cards in both your name and their name.
5) Secret bank accounts you do not know about.
6) Giving money to a lover that is not their spouse and/or transactions that look strange such as large cash withdrawals or unknown electronic transactions.
7) Spending money without care of how it will affect the spouse/partner and family (e.g., consistently overdrawing a bank account or leaving little in reserve).
8) Refusal to discuss money issues/bills with their partner who they insist “take care of the money” and/or apathy where money is concerned.
9) Intentional refusal to work or help pay bills.
10) Unstable or infrequent work history (e.g., multiple jobs in a year only lasting a few weeks or months)
11) Gambling addictions that destroy the family finances or any other addiction the abuser has that consistently drains finances (e.g., porn purchases or other sex purchases, drinking, drugs, etc.) There is also significant emotional abuse within addiction and the spending attached to it.
12) Withholding money or needed items such as food or personal hygiene items if the abuser does not get what they want from you (e.g., sex, affection, attention, or money). This is also significant emotional/mental abuse.
13) Intentionally not paying others back what they owe them or acting surprised that they must pay back what they owe.
14) Taking advantage of others financially for personal gain (e.g., manipulating to get others to pay for things for them both bill and non-bill related, unwanted or incessant solicitation of others for good/services/funds no matter the reason).
15) Intentionally not paying taxes at all, not paying them on time, and/or not paying the full amount so the other partner must take financial risk to fix the problem.
16) Stealing money or goods from their spouse, their workplace or volunteer organization, family members, and/or friends. Many financial abusers are in fact, just thieves who are a little smarter than your average thief.
What a list! Now for the good part, how we break free from said thieves!
How do I and/or my family break free from a financial abuser?
Financial abuse tends to be accompanied by other forms of abuse. The best way to break away from financial abuse is to first decide to get away from the abuser. Once you have decided to leave, the next step is to determine who can help you with your exit plan. You can work with trusted friends or family to accomplish your exit. I would highly suggest leaving money with trusted friends or members, so the abuser is not aware that you are planning to leave. You can set a certain percentage aside of what you are given by your abuser if this is the only way to put money back. I would also suggest opening a bank account in your own name unknown to the abuser as well as your own low balance credit card to begin building your own credit. You can have bank and credit card statements sent to a PO Box or a trusted family member or friend’s residence. I know taking care of yourself financially may be scary at first, but I can assure you that you are more than capable. The abuser has lied to you, you can not only live without him or her, but you can pay your bills, survive, and thrive without him or her. "Provision" under the guise of control is not provision, it's just control.
Once you are safely separated from the abuser and have a separate bank account and credit account established, notify the abuser in writing that you will be disengaging from caring for his or her financial wellbeing within 24 to 72 hours. If the abuser has credit cards or bank cards from other accounts that are in your name, call the bank or credit card company and remove them as a user from the accounts – this will not come as a surprise because you have already told them what you will do, and the effects will be immediate. If you are paying for their phone and you are safely separated, take their phone off your account. If they lose service as a result, that is no longer your problem and the peace of not hearing from them will be most helpful to you. Change all passwords on accounts that you jointly held with them if you are keeping that account.
Do not pay for any car notes or any outstanding debt that belongs to them. Refer any debt collectors to the abuser’s phone number. It is time for them to be responsible for themselves and their own financial messes. They will get angry, and they can get happy in the same pair of pants. They will no longer have control over you, and this will throw them into a tailspin. This is not your problem. I do realize children may be involved so completely blocking them out of your life may not be possible. However, this does not mean they can use the children to financially manipulate you either. Be clear about expectations with the children and finances and hold your ground. The abuser will again get angry and can again get happy in the same pants. If exiting means a divorce for you, please be sure you have a good divorce attorney and family attorney who will advocate for you and your children. Do not under any circumstances sign any legal papers the abuser brings you without first checking with an attorney. I also strongly encourage making changes to all social media and change passwords on any accounts you jointly held if you are keeping those accounts.
It has been my experience that once an abuser realizes they can no longer control you and their attempts at intimidating and/or manipulating you are no longer working, they will move on to find a new person to sabotage. You will have to be okay with being the “bad guy or girl” in their story. Remember, their sense of reality is warped, twisted, and lies are their natural go-to. They will resent you choosing health over their insanity and that is okay. They will resent responsibility and that is okay. Hold your ground! Rebuild a healthy life free of their abuse, intimidation, and control. Please get some counseling and work on you, get your children in counseling too. Lean into trusted family and friends for wisdom and good advice. Take some classes on basic financial management as many banks offer these for free. Cultivate peace in your life, it is long overdue. You can do this! I believe in you and so do so many others who love you! Lean into love! You are never too far gone! Be free!
Love,
Elizabeth
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