Hello everyone! This has been on my mind for many days but I felt I needed to wait a few days to write about it.
I see people over and over again staying in bad relationships, unsafe relationships, abusive relationships, regardless of the kind of abuse. I see people giving their all to someone who could care less or who simply is incapable of giving anything to anyone much less loving them. These persons (abusers) are so deeply hurt and damaged they do not know what love is and it will take a literal miracle to help them. Those on the other end, the co-dependent "fixers", are left damaged themselves with little life left in them if/when they get away.
I have been there myself (the co-dependet fixer and I had no idea!). I have asked myself why this pattern continues many times. I can tell you that abusers can be deceptive and charming, so the pattern continues. I can tell you that "fixers" keep thinking they need to fix things and people, so the pattern continues. Each of them feeding off of the other in some way. Now I don't want the "fixers" to feel bad. Most "fixers" have no idea this is what is happening until they are seperated from the situation for awhile. The abuser knows exactly what they are doing, down to every calculated move or thought.
I'm going to get to the point, though it may seem brutal. The goal of abuse is death. Death of your relationship, death of the you that you used to know, death of your frienships and family connections and many times your own physical death. Don't be fooled. The abuser is calculating and very good at what they do, regardless of the type of abuse used in the relationship. They have learned their craft well. This person is incapable of normal human relationships because they were never modeled any, in fact the only human relationships they were most likely modeled are abusive relationships. They are treating their victim the exact way they were treated as a child or young adult. They base their entire relationship with their world and their victim around fear and punishment because that is all they know. They are "dead" in their own way and they want you to be "dead" too, either figuratively, literally or both. They are some of the most miserable people alive and they want you to be miserable too because misery loves company. They do not know Who Love is and they do not know how to love.
You may say "boy that seems hopeless for both the victim and abuser." It doesn't have to be. Both the victim and abuser have the power of choice, a power they have long forgotten. The victim has the choice to leave and get their life back on track in a safe environment. The abuser has the choice to see themselves for what they are and change course. Abusers do not have to be like the people who abused them, that is a choice. Both the victim and the abuser can learn what love is if they choose to. Both victim and abuser can lay their lives at the feet of Jesus and He can heal and restore them, but as always, one has to want that and it is not an easy 1-2-3 step process.
Now I will write specifially to these two sets of people as I have done before.
To the abusers,
If you continue down the path you are going, it will end in loneliness and death - spiritual as well as physical death, from where there will be no return. You are better than that. The goal of what you now doing is only death. Power over your victim is but a fleeting deception, for it will only last as long as your victim allows it to, then it will abruptly end and you will be alone. Being alone is one of your greatest fears, I have seen that fear in the eyes of one of you myself. It does not have to have power over you. Death does not have to have power over you. Correct your course! Choose life! Cry out to Jesus and He will answer you and set you free! He is not ashamed of you and He will not punish you! Do you not long to be whole again?
To the victim (the fixer),
You cannot help this person. Their darkness lies in deep places you can't reach, only Jesus can reach those places. It's now time for you to go to a safe place and heal. It is time for you to find out who you are again. It is time for you to stop trying to fix people that you can't fix. If you do not leave, you will die - in many ways and maybe even literally. I did not physically die, but many parts of who I was died and they had to come back to life again. Only Jesus can help this person, only Jesus. And only Jesus can put your life back together again. Jesus sees where you are and He is not ashamed of you. Do you not long to be whole again?
I welcome your thoughts and comments as always. May these words bring comfort and peace to those who are troubled and may the Light of Love shine into the darkest of places and bring Life!
Until next time,
Elizabeth
***If you would like to know more about my experience with abuse and suicide within my marriage, please see my book The Road Less Traveled: A Story of Love, Pain, Hope and Everything In Between. There is hope for both the abuser and the abused and there is new life in Jesus Christ. He is good and He is not ashamed of us and does not use punishment as a means of behavior modification or control.
You can find my book on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, iTunes, Audible.com, Books A Million (BAM) Goodreads.com, Kobo.com and the Kobo app. In Canada, you can find it at McNally Robinson Books, !ndigo.com and Russell Books!